Maybe this will ruffle a few feathers, but moms, I have something to say to you: You’ve got to stop bottle feeding your babies in public.
I see this everywhere I go lately, and it’s really quite sickening on a number of levels. I’m so distracted by all these bottles, I can’t concentrate on work, eat a meal, or shop in peace. They’re everywhere! There’s practically nothing else to look at, in Target, or the bookstore, or the waiting room at the dentist.
First of all, why do you need to do that out in public? Everyone knows babies only need to eat every three hours. Like clocks, they are. And they don’t get hungry outside of those times, so why are you force feeding them? What are you really feeding, here? Your baby, or your own ego?
Just feed your baby, go grocery shopping, and then return home in time for your next bottle. It’s not rocket science, people! But noooo, you just have to show off, don’t you? “Look at me, I use Enfamil Enspire and I drive a new Toyota”. Please.
I mean, what if my kids see? How do I explain that? My kids don’t even know what bottles are for. Now there will be all of these questions, and I didn’t have children just so I’d have to answer damn questions all day. Stop provoking their curiosity. I might have to explain bottles to them, if this keeps up.
Bottle feeding is also super gross. I’m trying to enjoy myself, and there you are with your baby slurping down formula. Or maybe it’s breastmilk that you pumped earlier? See, now you’ve got me asking questions, too. How am I supposed to go about my everyday business without getting into yours? Some things should be private, like our feeding decisions. Stop putting it in my face.
But yeah, it’s disgusting. As soon as the feeding is over, you start patting your baby and it barfs all over you. Or it belches. Loudly. Or farts! Really, what the hell are babies even doing in public? I never took my babies out in public, ever. I make all of my daily decisions based on the comfort of random strangers, and you should too. Don’t you even care that we’re all judging you?
Finally, let’s talk about what’s really going on when you feed your baby. We all know that breasts are sex organs, right? So what’s a bottle and a plastic nipple? It’s a sexual prosthetic. A dildo! And formula is a fake bodily fluid. So there you go waving it around in public with no shame whatsoever! And putting it in your baby’s mouth. Would you also wield a plastic penis full of fake pee? No. Of course you wouldn’t. And yet, these things are exactly the same.
Like I can really pay attention to what I’m doing, or feel at all comfortable, with you brazenly reminding me of the facts of life?
Stop being such a provocative, attention-seeking hussy, and leave the damn bottles at home.
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