My Uterus Has Officially Reached ‘Clown Car’ Status

To my loyal fans, both of you, I just want to apologize for my absence lately. I have tons of blog ideas, but the energy of a sloth… No, a pregnant sloth. But unfortunately I’m not nearly as cute as a pregnant sloth.

The pregnant part is actually true. A couple of months ago, I was mopping the floor of my office with a lemon-scented cleaner, and I started gagging. As I dashed to the bathroom I thought, “that’s weird, I normally like the smell of that stu…. oh, what the HELL?!”

But I knew I couldn’t be. So, like I sometimes do when I get paranoid about pregnancy, I took a cheapo test. I figured I’d get a negative, relieve my anxiety, and have a guilt-free beer later. That’s my usual.

But that didn’t quite happen.

Here’s what happened from fiance’s point of view: He was hanging out doing work invoices on his computer, when a panicked woman dashed through the bedroom and into the bathroom. She slammed the door. There were puking sounds, followed by about four minutes of silence. Then she emerged, pale, shaking, and kind of softly hyperventilating. Crazy Woman stood silently in the bedroom, having the quietest panic attack ever, holding a tiny strip of paper with lines on it. The paper smelled faintly of pee.

I’m sure stuff like this is what makes me so attractive. He likes how unpredictable I am.

Not knowing what else to do, he stood with his arms around me while I had the most random freak-out episode ever. He was probably wondering what the hell happened during mopping that traumatized me so badly. And why did I pee on a paper. And why did I bring it in the bedroom.

Finally I blurted out, “I’m pregnant”, before resuming my trembling and freaking-outing.

My fiance, being the wise person he is, displayed the knowledge he gained from his high school sex ed class. “Yeah, I figured that might happen eventually”.

“YOU DID?! WELL WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?”  That was seriously my reply. I stayed mad for a few hours, wondering why the hell he knew I’d get pregnant and he didn’t warn me or move to another state or something. Eventually I got over it because I remembered that just a month before, I’d been moping around because I wanted another baby.

So anyway, that’s how I found out I’m pregnant with my fifth child. And it’s why I’ve been sleeping and puking instead of blogging.

1 Comment

  1. Angela Degelman on September 25, 2018 at 12:52 pm

    The good news is – you are such a good mother Emily! The bad news is, your baby has to get to her 20’s before she realizes that. At least your friends know and we will remind you on the regular!
    I am excited for you! (((HUGS))) and Congratulations!

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