It’s Sunday evening, and your husband is well into his 13th hour of whatever sport is on TV this weekend. After a long day of tending to the every whim of people who don’t appreciate it, you tuck (fight, cajole, and bribe) the hyperactive crotchfruits into their beds. Time for some “you time”. Time to connect with your friends! Time for some Facebook.
You deliver another Jack n Coke to your husband in his man cave, retreat to the bathroom, and pretend to be suffering a particular evil bout of constipation just so you can get half a damn hour alone. You open up your Facebook app…
And that’s when the crushing realization hits you. You have no original thoughts of your own.
What will you even say to the other adults? Won’t they be able to tell that you traded your dreams to barely scrape by in this suburban hellhole? How do you hide your glaring lack of talent, and the fact that you hate your life?
What will you post? A gushing update about your “perfect” husband? A rambling humblebrag on the minutiae of your kids’ extracurricular activities? How about a picture of your feet in the bathtub? Nothing like a little attention from random internet fetishists…
As you ponder, you scroll your news feed… And by chance, you stumble upon one of my blogs.
It’s hilarious. Well-written. Insightful. It’s everything you wish you could accomplish via the written word. Alas, you possess neither talent nor initiative. No one even understood what you were trying to sell in that virtual yard sale post the other day.
You eye my thousands of likes and shares with envy. You wish….
And for the first time in your life, inspiration strikes. Or more like temptation… Because what you’re about to do is neither creative nor moral.
Click click. Copy. Paste. Done.
Now you have your very own viral blog… the praise and recognition you crave… A manufactured sense of self worth.
You don’t have to do this! THERE IS ANOTHER WAY!
Look, you can never be me, but you could be very much like me. Sign up for my organization, Moms Against Pathetic Plagiarism, and I will teach you how to verbalize your own ideas. You will learn how to push buttons on your laptop, but in the correct order this time.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
When you join MAPP and pay my astronomically high fees, I’ll throw in some grammar and punctuation lessons too. You will learn handy adult communication skills, such as:
- The difference between “your”, “you’re”, and “ur”
- What “there”, “their”, and “they’re” really mean
- How to use a period, and its location on your keyboard
- What commas actually do (it’s not what you think!)
- How to SELL things in your local yard SALE group on Facebook
- The difference between “excepting” and “accepting” your boring life
- … And so much more!
I’ll even teach you how to set and achieve goals that don’t involve copyright violations!
BUT WAIT! THERE’S EVEN MORE!
Sign up tonight, and I’ll teach you how to create a GoDaddy Account, pick a name for your dumb blog, and compare simple WordPress themes. NOW YOU’RE A MOMMY BLOGGER TOO!
Look, sis, I know you wanna be me. But since you can’t, and since you’ll always get caught when you plagiarize (and feel even worse about your sad existence), the next best thing is to learn how to write your own goddamn motherfucking blogs.
No, it won’t pay the bills. Don’t be ridiculous! But your husband does that anyway. It’s pretty much the only reason you put up with him, so let him do what he does best: Watch ESPN, screw that woman at work who’s uglier but nicer than you, and pay for all your stuff.
Hell, let him pay for MAPP, too. I’d really appreciate it.
Fine print: A membership in MAPP offers exclusive opportunities to learn basic writing skills, and encouragement to develop a smidgen of ambition. MAPP cannot teach you original thoughts, only inspire you to try developing your own. Membership in MAPP will not automatically make you a better person. You will have to work on that yourself. Your husband will probably continue to cheat on you.
Keep scrolling down for the comments section, which will soon be full of women just like you! You’ve found your people, your tribe, your home on the internet…
And then scroll a little farther and sign up for updates. Together, we will overcome your pitiful limitations, and help you become slightly better than ordinary.
SIGN UP FOR MAPP TODAY! It feels so good to get a life.