I don’t really give a rat’s ass about nourishing my child, or bonding with her, or any of that stuff. What’s an immune system, anyway? Sounds like some made-up alternative medicine thing.
I just want attention – specifically, your husband’s attention. In fact, I’m using breastfeeding as an excuse to steal him away from you.
There’s nothing that turns me on more than a dad bod. That swelling beer belly, his unshaven neck, the way he struts in his jorts. Bonus points for stark white athletic shoes… But I’m not picky. I like all the dads. Especially the married ones.
Those Ergo baby carriers? They’re the fanny packs of 2018. I just can’t resist a man sporting quilted materials, buckles, and straps.
I never know where I’m going to spot one of these delicious hunks. But today, I’m hunting at your local park.
I show up, baby in tow, wearing my best sweatpants and nursing tank. My hair is styled in a thick, shapeless blob on the top of my head. No makeup for me. I haven’t even showered in three days. I don’t need to… I have lactating boobs and plenty of pheromones.
I settle myself and baby on a bench, in full sight of the playground. I spot half a dozen fine manly specimens playing with their kids. Time to launch my attack.
Like a pack of Pavlov’s dogs, six daddy heads swivel my way. Salivating. They know the sound of a nursing tank opening up. They’re already conditioned. Fantastic; this will be easy.
I lift my squalling baby to my breast. She latches on… Damn it. Her head is in the way.
I desperately want everyone at the playground – but especially your husband – to get a good look at my engorged, leaky left boob. And now this stupid baby head is blocking all the action!
So I stand up and walk toward the playground. Still tantalizingly nursing my youngest, dragging my stroller with my free hand, I call to my oldest child. I pretend I need to remind him to be careful, but really I just want to get closer to your husband. Maybe he can get a peek at my cleavage. Maybe he can see the whole boob.
One of the dads catches my eye. “Tough to juggle more than one, huh”, he remarks. Ahhh yes. Sizzling hot, verbal foreplay.
I giggle, and make a joke about herding cats. He laughs. He wants me.
And that’s how the steamy affair begins. Every day, at your local park,your favorite fast food chain, sometimes even at the mall… I’ll be there. With my sinful breasts. And my sexy milk. And my baby, who is just an excuse I spent nine months creating.
I’m gonna steal your man. Just try and stop me.
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